seaglass water, white sand beaches, lots of naps under thick straw umbrellas and in king sized smushalicious linen comfort. one night i ate 2 salmon steaks, 2 red snapper steaks, 1 filet minon, soup, salads, tropical fruits and was not really quite full after 4 desserts. calvin shamed all the smokers everywhere. despite him being sick the first day and me managing to give myself 2nd degree burns on my legs, it was a little bit of heaven just to have no e-mails or phone calls or meetings for a weekend.
i've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately about what's next. ranging from short term things like labor (how ever will he squeeze out of there?), the grandmothers arrival and stay, to feeling my childhood is ending, to facing my role and responsibilities as a mother. my awareness of time and mortality has sharpened, as i've noticed the way i approach my little projects and work has become more realistic and less daydreamy as is more usual. there is reverberrating throughout me a knowledge that there is a finate end to things. as deep as sleep, and as real as my body, something new that i am learning.
some weeks before we left, shannon organized a surprise baby shower for me at the most amazing house in the french concession, and all of our close friends were there to welcome in the little guy. it was one of the best days of my life. she cooked a feast, cleaned, planned and really outdid herself. gary even made a chocolate cheesecake. but for weeks after, i felt like a poseur, fearful that someone would come up behind me, tap me on the shoulder, and announce that i don't know what the hell i'm doing. and since we don't have our friends in the us around us who are have children or are pregnant, there's no example to follow, no roadmap. one can only look inward.
i really don't know what to expect. but maybe that's the point? precisely the thing that makes it so scary and the knowledge that i don't know anything, is also the thing that has kept me moving forward. pushing me to physically limits, and to educate myself. like those furious roundhouse kicks i feel every so often these days, a reminder that even as there are endings and nostalgia, the most fantastic possibilities and beginnings grow within.
