rushing around to do my morning cleanup around the apartment before the t.v. station, i found some tiny green pieces on the sofa laying next to clementine peels, used dinner cups and shaggy carpet fuzz. clunk it went - into the garbage.
my jade wedding ring broke today. the chinese say that when you break a piece of jade you've worn for a long time, it has protected you from something. well, actually mommers taught me that. but as most abc's (ameican born chinese) go, sometimes what your mom says is pretty much what your led to believe most chinese think. she comforted me with that when calvin broke his ring twice, once while playing drums and another time when he fell badly on his hands.
only later i discovered that the flesh around my finger peered back at me like an authoratative stranger. wholly shocking, a bit paler, and dented in the ring's shape. what could have happened? looking frantically for any remnants in the trash can, i happily found two pieces of jade, placed them on the table, and examined their new apple flavored life-savers, u-bent shape.
i touched my belly instinctively, as if to thank someone, but not knowing who. i had gotten into a horrible flight with mommers last night about her stay here in shanghai, and woke up with a bad headache. at first, it was just a conversation about wanting her to stay for longer with me and the baby, but we made the obvious (and for us, seemingly unavoidable) mistake of going down the spiral of "forgotton" arguments one never recovers from childhood and motherhood and turned into a contest of nasty accusations, selfish soapboxing, and after hang ups and calling one another back - to prove lung-power.
still, i wonder if she's like my ring, protecting me for so long, and now a bit weakened at certain joints of experiencing death, disappointments she's learned to live with, overwhelming guilt borne of genuine kindess, fear of people misunderstanding her, or simply being human, and i was the one to finally break it apart. unknowingly, in my attempt to "clean things up" and then throw away a piece into the garbage, not remembering how all the pieces linked together. now there's just a clean, empty space.
cal is nervous about my trip to florida, and i can understand. so i don't think i have a choice whether to be patient and understanding about her decisions she's made for herself in her life, just as she's given to me. i have to try harder. the consequences are too painful not to be, and i've got a little one to think about now too. maybe i'll even understand her more because of it.
